Archive for April, 2012
Have you been outside lately? It’s hot. Too hot, dammit. We need an Ice Age, people! If you are deeply, utterly, completely consumed and concerned with the increasing temperatures that face the planet (i.e. us), than read on. In honor of Earth Day, we’ve compiled a list of the ever-evolving steps we have taken to save the human race (after all, we need the Earth around to keep those Doritos factories running). Educate yourself, and win over your hipster friends by reading Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
- Everyday, we write inspirational messages to the planet, and then bury them in our organic dandelion garden
- To save electricity (and prepare our bodies for the coming desert storms), we’ve removed all air conditioning units from the building
- The previous step has dramatically increased our sweat production, which we will use to help restore the drought-ridden riverbeds surrounding our office
- To encourage Mother Nature to “just chill out”, we are installing a massive speaker system in our parking lot, which we’ll use to blast calming tunes from our resident funk-star Mike Tallman’s band, Euforquestra
- In an effort to combat heat waves, we’re installing wind turbines in the field behind our office building. Then we’ll truck in a few hundred tons of ice cubes, and enjoy the cool breeze everyday (…that it’s windy).
- Every pen in the office is now green. Literally, not in the “we source our pens from organic pen farms” kind of way. That’s expensive.
- We eat out at fast food restaurants everyday and save (some) of the grease to put into the gas tanks of our cars. Who said alternative fuel couldn’t work?
- We’re starting a new “organic marketing” trend: Our office has been relocated. We’re now 50 miles away from all golf courses, supermarkets, hospitals, grocery stores, and paved roads. Sure, we’ll have to purchase massive SUVs to traverse over the rough terrain on the way to work, but getting away from all this pollution will really help us work at our best.
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